


A shade of White

by Atomrealm



Category: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)
Genre: Anxiety, Brightwell, Childhood Trauma, F/M, Fluff, Light Angst, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Repressed Memories, Trauma, Wack, Whump, mambo the cat, yup this is my first fic so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21893494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atomrealm/pseuds/Atomrealm
Summary: Still hunted by his past, and terrified by the daunting shadow of John Watkins, Malcolm tries to readjust to his life, with the help of his team and his subconscious.
Comments: 41
Kudos: 46





	1. A Subconscious Urge

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! this is my first fic, so apologies if this isn´t the best thing you have ever read, I hope you enjoy :) I had my fun writing this. plus some nice Brightwell fluff and whump to heal during this hiatus.
> 
> Also, thanks a lot to @ihavejarlsberg (Tumblr) for the beta reading high key appreciated <3

It had been a month since the arrest of John Watkins, also known as the Junkyard Killer and fellow associate of The Surgeon, Dr. Martin Whitly. But even after his arrest, his presence felt stronger than it ever had before. Whenever his name was mentioned, a terrible urge crept behind everyone’s necks, sending shivers down the spine of every cop in the precinct. He made sure to leave a clear mark of who he was, the “purifier” of New York, and the man who would hunt Malcolm´s mind without rest.

With the FBI off the precinct, things were almost back to normal. The team went back to their regular case solving and helping Malcolm readjust to the life he had been deprived of because of his kidnapping. 

“Edrisa, fill us in,” Gil said as he walked toward the scene, Dani and JT following behind. Malcolm hesitated a little, his eyes darting around the crime scene, aiming to avoid eye contact with the murder in front of him. 

“For sure, Boss,” Edrissa said. “Our victim is Ryan Hopkins, 34, owner of a fishing business. Quite a shocker, too. I mean, he was murdered just how his fish are killed.” The man was hanging from a huge hook attached to the ceiling, his insides hanging gorily.

Malcolm took a glimpse at the scene. It was awful. His heart was pounding faster and ragged breaths came out, begging for air. He was accustomed to the gory details of the crime scenes he had visited along with his whole career, but after his kidnapping, things had started to feel different. He felt more anxious, on edge, and was terrified of the thought of being alone.

He closed his eyes and turned around, breathing becoming a difficult task, and he tried to steady his breaths until Gil noticed. Drawing closer to him, speaking low, Gil asked, “You all right, kid? We can go out if you need to. I understand it could be too early to-”  
“I- ah- I ́m fine,” Malcolm said. “It's just I- memories, you know, all flooding back in.”   
Gil noticed his hand, the tremor, back and even worse than he had ever seen before. He looked on edge, and it hadn't been just in this case, but ever since he had come back to the field. 

“What's bothering you?” Gil asked.   
Malcolm put his hand in the form of a fist in a failed attempt to stop it from shaking, squinting his eyes as the flashbacks came to the front of his mind. “I have seen this before Gil,” he said. “I mean, this type of kill.” 

It all came in a rush, images piercing through his eyes. The first time he remembered seeing a scene like this was during one of his night terrors, after the incident with the stash of drugs. The memories about that night were hazy, but this particular hallucination felt deeply important, aching, almost like a stab to the chest. 

“My fath- Martin Whitly,” Malcolm started, “And Paul assassinated one of their victims through this method. I’m not sure when, but I can feel it. It’s hard to explain.” Malcolm had learned this during his kidnapping. Paul Lazar made sure to make him remember as much as possible. There were still gaps to the story, but what he was able to discover during his torture was more than enough to make him feel guilty, destroyed, and helpless.

“You are saying this might be connected to Paul Lazar?” Gil asked. “He is in prison. There is no way he could have pulled this off.”   
“I know, but perhaps he did orchestrate it,” Malcolm said. “I mean, it’s just like the quartet, the copycat killer. My father arranged that to get me back. There could be a possibility that someone is killing for Paul.” 

Gil nodded. The kid could be right, even though without evidence it was hard to tell. He took the team back to the precinct. They needed to go deeper into the investigation. If Malcolm was right, imprisoning Paul Lazar would have been worthless; he needed to be put away for good.

They were back in the precinct. Malcolm sat on the table of the investigation room, looking at the board filled with images and information about the case, making the profile in his head. Male, around mid-fifties. Mentee, mentor? Looks for control, praise, hooks. It was hard for him to focus; he wasn’t even sure if he was building a reasonable profile if all he could think about was about those days he was held hostage. The amount of blood loss, the terrible blinding headaches, and awful medication withdrawals, along with the different torture techniques used by Paul--not with the purpose of killing him, but making him miserable for the rest of his life.

“You played a huge role, little Malcolm. That's why I brought you a friend.” 

Paul threw a bag in front of him. His vision blurred, but for sure he was able to recognize the sound. It was a girl--the girl in the box. He thought she was dead. It had been more than twenty years after all. Having her right there was a relief, but what came after wasn ́t.

“All right, focus now. Y-you need to stay calm. They need you on the case. It's all over, i-it’s over. You are safe,” he kept repeating to himself. It wasn’t his fault. He was eight years old when it all happened. He knew he had been complicit, but not to his own desire. That thought was always putting a weight under him. His father made him kill, and he couldn’t forgive himself for doing what he did, specifically to the girl in the box.   
“We are the same. We are the same. You killed her and it’s all your fault. You aren’t so late after all.” 

The sounds in the office were getting louder. Staplers, papers moving around, pens clicking. It all felt like too much. He felt disoriented, breaths coming in silent gasps, and his heart beating fast. His eyes looked in every possible direction, wincing at the sound of every minimal sound or voice. He stood up, walking unsteadily to one of the corners of the room, sliding down to the floor. 

He was alone; he didn’t like being alone anymore. He wasn’t safe. He didn’t feel safe. He shut his eyes, putting his hands over his ears to remove the sounds. It was overwhelming, stressing. He repeated to himself, “I will not let negativity impact me. I will not.” Who was he kidding? He couldn't do it. Not anymore.

The team went back into the investigation room, expecting it to be unoccupied until the figure of Malcolm appeared before their eyes. He was curled in a ball, taking his hands up to his hair, squinting, his eyes hard shut. He was saying something under his breath while bouncing back and forth. Dani ran towards him but stepped back so as not to crowd him. It was a panic attack; she could sense Malcolm ́s anxiety through the air.

Heading slowly toward him, Gil said, “Hey! Hey, Bright! Breathe.” 

JT closed the door to avoid getting attention from anyone on the precinct. Gil kneeled in front of Bright, making sure not to startle him, slowly raising Malcolm ́s shaking hand to his chest. “Bright, I want you to count with me, all right?” 

Malcolm still had his eyes shut, listening to what Gil was saying. He was finding it hard to breathe. His breaths were ragged and fast, and they hurt--a lot. “I-I-ah, I can ́t,” he started. “It h-hurts.” His breathing raced a little.

“It’s OK, Bright,” Gil said. “You can do it. We have done this before. Come on, kid. Count with me: one.”   
“O-one..” Malcolm started. “Two.. three.. four.. f-ive..” 

Malcolm tried to block out the pieces of memories flooding through his mind while counting along, his breath steadying, his heart slowly getting back to its cavity. Dani threw a deep sigh of relief at the scene, as well as JT. 

“That's better,” Gil said. “Keep going. See? You ́ve got this, kid. We know it's hard, but your team is here to help you. You are not alone in this.”   
Malcolm started building a smile upon his face, wondering what he would be without them. Dani put her arm around him, massaging his back. JT gave him a pat on the back while Malcolm met his eyes, giving him a shy but meaningful smile. 

It was late in the night, and they had been working on the case non-stop. Malcolm was feeling at ease, building up a more solid profile than before. He felt a little embarrassed for what had happened earlier, even though the team had made sure he felt safe, loved, and cared for, which was something he couldn't do for himself. 

Gil called it a night. Everyone had worked tirelessly to get as much intel and leads as possible. Even a jigsaw puzzle didn’t sound as complicated as figuring out the killer to this case. The team was heading out of the office to their homes. Dani put a scarf around her neck, the night feeling a bit chilly. She felt some stuttering steps behind her so she turned around. 

“Dani! Hey! I'm- sorry, can I talk to you?” Malcolm ́s word flew out of his mouth in a rush, almost as if he was trying to stop her from leaving. 

“Sure,” she said, “What is it?” She eyed him for a second. He was moving his head in different directions, trying to avoid eye contact.  
“Um, I--how are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” she said. “Tired, but nothing sleep can't repair, I guess. How about you? How are you holding up? Do they happen a lot? I mean today, the panic attacks.” 

He nodded, tilting his head down. Now they were walking together aimlessly. “Quite so. I can control them most of the time, but these days, it’s just...” He stopped mid-sentence, giving a sigh. “It’s just not easy anymore.” 

Dani felt awful. She wished things weren't like this. He had been through a lot as it was, but with his kidnapping and Paul Lazar as a possible threat once again, it just made her insides fill with rage. She didn't want this, not for him at least, to have to endure too much. He was trying so hard not to let that break him. “You are strong, Bright,” she said, “And your past doesn't define what you want to be of yourself in the future.” They were both staring at each other. He was quiet, and he couldn't really come up with something to say to that. Some part of him wanted to believe that was how Dani believed in him. 

“So, where are you heading?” He quickly changed the topic. 

“Home, hopefully get some rest?” I mean, where else would she want to go in the middle of the night?

“Right, right,” he stuttered. “Can I ask you a favor? You don't have to accept if you don't want to.” he was fidgeting his fingers. 

“Of course, what is it?” Dani put her hands in her pockets, standing to face him. 

“Would you mind staying at my place tonight?” he asked. “I don't want to be alone. We don't have to share a bed, if that’s an issue.” 

Dani felt the plead in his voice, almost as if he was scared of being alone, desperate to have company. This sudden behavior had started to settle after his kidnapping. He refused to go alone on stakeouts or even stay long enough with the killer in the same room without backup or company. How could she refuse? There wasn't anyone as trusting and loyal as Malcolm Bright. It was the best she could do for him. 

“Yeah, sure, I will keep you company,” she said. “Do you want to walk, or do we take a cab?” His eyes lit up, almost in relief. 

“Cab is fine; I’ll pay.”

\----------------------------------------------------------

When they arrived at his flat, he made sure that Dani felt as comfortable as possible, taking her stuff to put it on the counter. Sunshine chirped in the background. For some reason, the parakeet seemed to enjoy her presence. “I see it remembers me,” she said. Dani gestured to Sunshine ́s cage, waving her index finger in the bird’s direction, smiling. Sunshine hopped, excitement flowing from its feathers. 

“Do you have any pets?” Malcolm asked while serving a glass of water for her and himself.

“I do actually,” Dani said. “A black Persian cat with yellow, piercing eyes. His name is Mambo.” 

Malcolm couldn't help but smile. Mambo sounded like such a particular name. It made sense for her to have a cat. He had never thought about it, but her tough, calm but fierce personality matched it quite a lot. 

“Funny,” he said. “Huh, you know, us both having pets, bird and a cat, like Tweety and Sylvester.”

Dani threw a shy laugh in the air, frowning “Weird reference, but yeah quite the coincidence. Hopefully they don ́t kill each other.”

Malcolm chuckled under his breath, heading towards the couch she was sitting on now. “Thanks again, for everything. I-ah, it means a lot you staying here with me.” 

Dani looked at his eyes, tired, bags under his eyes but those blue eyes, a flicker of hope in them, a reality where she could get lost for hours. “It’s no problem. You know that.” She gave him an apologetic smile. Malcolm blushed and looked down.

“I guess some sleep wouldn't hurt?” he asked. “At least for you.” He rose from the couch, guiding her toward his bed. She sat on the edge, her legs crisscrossed, while he tied his restraints on his wrists. “Want to get inside?” he asked. “Just for a while.” 

Dani drifted out of her thoughts. “Oh yeah, sure.” She started getting inside the sheets, noticing how heavy they were. “Are these made of steel? Huh?” 

A smile escaped his mouth. “Weighted blanket, good for the anxiety.” 

“I should get myself one of those, maybe ten.” she said, smiling, while completely getting inside the bed. 

He had his hands resting to his sides. Dani couldn't help but notice the tremor in his hand, shaking, worsening with every second. He held her hand out to take his shaky hand, a soft touch that warmed her heart. His hand was cold. Wincing at the touch, he looked her in the eyes with a mellow stare, almost as if he had thought he was having a hallucination. He looked relieved to know it was real and drew closer to her, almost into a hug while he curled in a ball, while Dani wrapped her arms around him. He looked small, fragile.

“I don't want this anymore,” he said quietly.

“What?” she felt confused. Was this bothering him? She knew it would be too fast. He fidgeted a second.

“The pain, t-the memories. I have done awful things, terrible errors. They haunt me, every second. I shouldn't have walked out of there alive.”  
Concern was building on her. He didn't deserve any of the pain he had to endure. He was a good man, a survivor. Ever since Paul took him, guilt surfaced, drowning him. She wished she could have done more, investigated every lead possible, without rest, ignoring protocol. She wished things could have been different, that she could have saved him before it was too late, too late to lose him completely. 

“It’s not your fault. You can ́t keep blaming yourself. We all have flaws. We commit errors. Nobody walks around the earth unstained, but there ́s hope. We get up. We shatter and we get back up. You are valued, Malcolm. You are not your father. His actions are not a reflection of who you are, and I know it’s hard to understand, but there are people who care about you, more than you think.” 

Malcolm held her hand stronger, a tear falling down his cheek, dripping over both their hands. His friendship with Dani was something he never thought he would receive; she was too valuable for his miserable self, but she managed to make him feel better. She made him feel safe. 

They were quiet for a while now. Dani’s eyes wandered toward the ceiling where the street lights glimmered. She looked at Malcolm, his eyes drifting off into sleep. She thought it was best not to wake him. Every ounce of sleep he could get always meant a lot, even if it was just about two to three hours of sleep, even not consecutively. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Psst, Malcolm.” 

He opened his eyes, still in bed. He sat upright, his eyes moving around the flat. He saw a shadow move, next to the counter of his kitchen. There was a hard thud on the stairs, but there was nothing there. His eyes returned to the room. 

“It is good to see you again!” 

He jumped, his heart skipping a beat, vision clearing out. It looked like a white stain? A man? A man wearing a white suit. It was him; he was wearing the suit.   
“Who are you?” 

His eyes were wide, shaky breaths going out of his mouth.

“You don't remember? What a crappy memory you have! I’m your subconscious! Basal ganglia? Cerebellum? Doesn’t ring a bell?”

Malcolm started squinting his eyes, wincing at his present. It looked like a fresher version of himself, healed and imposing. But what was with all the white?   
“I'm here to clear some things about yourself. You seemed troubled, like a lot all of these repressed memories are making you spiral. And Paul Lazar wasn't fully honest with you. There is more. More to the whole story. You didn't just go to one camping trip, Malcolm.” 

He refused to believe it. He had gone out. The girl in the box was found and he had seen her die, tortured by Paul right in front of his eyes. All the suffering--he needed to end her misery, but what was the man in the suit telling him? There was more to it. Wasn't it enough as it was?

Another silhouette crept from the shadows. He could not tell what it was. He felt numb. Blond hair, the silhouette of a woman getting closer to him standing right beside the suited version of his conscience. It was Eve Blanchard. What was she doing here? Their relationship had gone nowhere. 

“You promised you would save her,” Eve said. Her face grew in rage he could feel the guilt choking him. 

“You see, Malcolm, you have a disappointed woman now. There are still pending things. I can't show them to you just now but here, so you don’t forget.”   
Malcolm had heard those words before and a rush of anxiety flooded him upon hearing them again. 

“No, wait!” 

A huge meat hook stabbed him right through the chest.

“You really left out the possibility the case could be connected to you?” His subconscious said. “Just like that?” His subconscious snapped his fingers, making him wince at the sight. “Find the person behind that murder. Things will be clearer, I assure you.”

“Bright! Bright! Wake up, you are dreaming!” Dani was holding him under her arms to keep him from scratching at his chest and harming himself, the restraints moving uncontrollably. This was just another night filled with his terrors. One of those nights where waking up was impossible. He felt imprisoned. He couldn't get out--not this time. The man in the white suit, himself, hunted his guts.


	2. Innanimate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still hunted by his past, and terrified by the daunting shadow of John Watkins, Malcolm tries to readjust to his life, with the help of his team and his subconscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm sorry this took so long, there was so much I needed to add in, that my head went kaboom in the process, again don´t promise this is the best thing you will ever read haha, apologies on the Lil amount of Malcolm whump, there will be lots in the next chapter stay tuned for that! Some nice memories in this chapter, and definitely some angst. 
> 
> Thanks for all the comments on the first chapter, those really helped me to want to keep writing this, it means a lot and i really appreciate it <3

She woke up to a voice, low with soft whimpers escaping his mouth.

“Who are you?” he looked startled but he wasn’t moving at all, fear grabbed him strongly by the neck almost in the sense of a spasm, petrified. 

“Bright?” he didn´t respond

“Bright, Hey-Hey!” she raised from the sheets at the sudden image of Malcolm choking, his eyes completely shut and afraid at the sight of something she couldn´t see, it was all out of her reach, a crippling terror that accompanied him since he was a child. One could call it his most loyal companion, always there to make his life unbearable. But Malcolm was a fighter, and nobody, not even the most intolerable terror could stop him from gripping tight, to stand up for the people who he cared about the most, a glimpse of hope that crept from under his blue eyes. Hard to believe, but undeniably real.

Malcolm started wincing, he scratched his nails in his chest, as if he was trying to remove something from it with immense desperation, small whimpers falling from his mouth. Dani made a quick move, she took his arms slowly but tight, aiming to stop him from hurting himself. He winced at the touch trying to free from Danis’s hand unconsciously. Every move he made to get those hands holding him away increasing on strength, all he heard was a muffled voice but he could not tell if it was real or not, hardly anything felt real, often both states merged. 

“Bright! Br- Malcolm!” Dani sat upright, she couldn´t remember the last time she had used his first name, she had been used to calling him by his last name during work she kind of stuck with it, but using his first name, felt different, more personal, she could feel closer to him when she used it. “Hey I need you to wake up- this is just a bad dream, Malcolm.” She proceeded to hold him tightly in her arms, the sense of touch as something that might wake him from the dream. To sense that it was all just a bad dream. 

Malcolm started to ease himself, with still shaky breaths holding tighter to Dani´s embrace, slowly opening his eyes with a frown in his face at the thought of still being trapped in a night terror.

With his eyes fully opened he laid back from her arms, with a deep sigh. “I´m sorry, I shouldn´t have- asked you to come.” His face irradiated despair, while he rocked some of his fingers, avoiding eye contact with her. 

Dani raised his chin “hey, is alright, you don´t have to apologize, it was out of your control, don´t be ashamed, I´ve had my pair of nightmares too.” she rested her hand over his their fingers intertwining. 

Her phone started to vibrate in the nightstand, taking her hand off from their bond as to receive 3 missed calls from Gil. 

“Is everything alright?” Malcolm looked at her while she checked the message. “It´s Gil, there´s been another murder, he wants us to check it out.” she looked at Malcolm´s watch which laid in the nightstand, it was three in the morning. “Is quite early though?” Dani said. “Gil wouldn´t call this early unless it was an emergency, maybe it has something to do with Ryan Hopkins´s case” Malcolm started to pull off the restraints standing up eagerly, he knew sleep was not his friend right now but when was it though, so he might as well just go solve a murder with the team. 

Dani went to change her clothes in the bathroom getting her hair done as fast as she could, still managing to look stunning in Malcolm´s point of view.

While she was getting ready Malcolm took his medications, it was earlier than he should but since he was going to be outside for long there was no time to do it later. He proceeded to feed sunshine his favorite seeds, and fully dress, putting his vest and blazer on, he looked at his wardrobe, and to his surprise, there were lots of dirty suits and pants laying around, his mother hadn´t brought Louisa for a while now, plus he wasn´t in the best mood to remember to clean his stuff up, it looked chaotic.

“You ready?” he was doing his tie and buttoning his suit, waiting for her affirmation. “Yeah let´s go”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

They arrived at an industrial zone in the west of New York, the yellow tape already covering the scene while the crime technicians evaluated the events. Gil guided them to the murder. “I know its early, we received complaints about loud screamings, we sent someone to check it out but it´s worse than what we thought.” 

The room was splashed with blood, the walls hardly visible from the dark, pouring red that filled it, the victim, completely naked and tied to a wooden chair, his head tilted down with his legs and arms sprawled, but the most terrifying thing was his skin, part of his upper torso looking a complete mess, the skin was ragged and pulled off as if it was silk, delicate strings of skin were all tied up together to form a textile which lied under a Carding machine. Malcolm neared to the victim his eyes wide at the view, inspecting for the details, trying to avoid the terrible smell. “I see the killer didn´t have time to finish his work, he must have left in a rush” 

“This is just messed up man, the VIC, middle class, 33, owner of this place, he was a sheep shearing, his whole business went all the way up by his efforts, he didn´t have any big inheritance to open it up, he did it all by himself, and became very successful after,” JT said taking one of his hands and rubbing it through his forehead. “The sheep were let loose too. At least we don´t have a track of them, not like its a big deal though” 

“Why would he take the herd?” Gil said, he looked at Malcolm who was surprisingly quiet. Deep in a stare.

“He needs to see his victims as inanimate objects,” Malcolm said after a few moments of silence, “he believes their lives are not worthy of their work, do we have a name yet?” 

“Yes, Benjamin Adelman” Gil said.

“Both Benjamin and Ryan Hopkins where owners of the business, made their way up and were killed by the same means of their work. Stabbed by a meat hook, and a carding machine, the killer reflects their jobs on his killing.” Malcolm finished while stepping back from the scene. 

Dani put a frown on her face and crossed her arms. “But what does the vanished herd have to do with all this” “Could he be taking the herd to sell them?”

“Probably,” Malcolm said, “ He could be taking them and selling them on a black market, taking the production of his victims to gain for himself, stealing credit and income.” “This killer doesn´t seem to rely on a regular job, his job lies on taking from others to live, which means.”

“These kills have not been his first.” Gil felt unease his voice sounding defeated.

Malcolm kept looking at the VIC, “Exactly, and he has been killing for a long while.” 

Gil frowned, and let out a long sigh, Dani pressing her lips together.

“Alright let’s head back to the precinct” was all Gil could take out from his mouth, The thought of having a killer killing under his watch all these years left him with a sense of disappointment with himself, to be incapable of doing the job, John Watkins had been enough to put him under the verge of anxiety, and Malcolm´s word spiraled on his head. 

“I have seen this before Gil, Martin Whitly and Paul assassinated one of their victims through this method.”  
The words didn´t help at all, they had a killer on the loose, possibly connected to the most dangerous people of New York.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

By the last week, they received more cases related to the same killer of Ryan Hopkins and Benjamin Adelman, bodies intertwined to machines, which looked like they had never been alive before but were part of the machinery. All the product of the industry was gone too just as the lives of the people that were inhumanly killed. 

They were at the precinct, it was late at night and they hadn´t had many hours of sleep in the past week, searching miserably for any leads that could bring them closer to the killer, Edrisa had brought DNA tests but there was no certain match of who to track as a possible suspect. This killer was meticulous and organized, which reminded Malcolm of a particular person. John Watkins.

By far all they had was similar MOs, all of his Victims died reflecting their business’s work. And were middle to lower class insurgents, who made their way up to the huge world industry. 

“Man I´m exhausted, hell even 3 hours of sleep could make wonders.” JT entered the room, with a bag of groceries for the team, he passed a black coffee to Dani and Gil, and a black tea for Malcolm as requested.” he placed the back on the desk and began taking bagels, and toasts out of it placing them on the desk for the team to eat, Gil taking a bagel as well as Dani.

“You ain´t gonna eat something bro?” JT asked Malcolm.

Malcolm didn´t lift his eyes, deeply focused on the information about the cases and his thoughts, the voices around the room drifting off from his mind.  
JT looked to Gil and Dani, he knew things had been hard for the dude lately the best thing he could do for him was to be patient, understand him, and show his support. After all, he had a past he wasn´t eager to revisit. 

JT started to wave a hand at his direction in hopes to make Malcolm notice, he lifted his head and his eyes widened as if hi had been pulled out from his thoughts.

“Thanks- but I´m not hungry, tea´s alright” he raised his tea with a shaky smile. 

“When are you ever hungry though,” JT said with a sigh and proceeded to sit next to Dani and take some of the files of the investigation. “Do we have anything new boss?”

“We do, Edrisa came with a new report” Gil dropped the file on the desk which Malcolm immediately took as if his life depended on it. He began to read as Gil spoke.

“All the victims had high blood sugar registered at least two or three days before their murder. Too dangerously high to induce a diabetic coma.”  
Malcolm pointed out a line of the file following Gil´s description “They had glucagon injections before their time of death, the killer gave them the injection to make them enter into this state, a step closer to being inanimate.”

“That’s peak insanity, huh, how those this help us catch him though?” JT asked. 

“Not much but at least now we know how he operates,” Gil looked down at the files splattered on the desk, Malcolm began to say something under his breath. “What are you saying, kid?” 

“Both Ryan Hopkins and Benjamin were registered for a Nicotine Anonymous support program when people are looking to stop smoking they can turn to unhealthy eating habits to cope with the aftereffects of Nicotine dependency, perhaps their lifestyles lead to developing diabetes type 2, the killer perceived them as weak, unworthy, their lives despite having decent working business were something he could not tolerate, them moving on, our killer probably met them at the Anonymous support group, he could still be addicted to Nicotine consumption, watching others move on except for himself. ”

Everyone´s eyes were wide, Malcolm finished talking and a sense of relief left his face, no words could escape their mouths until Gil finally spoke up. “We can start there, Dani, track the meeting place, Jt and I will get the warrant.”

“Sure Boss” Dani responded along with the approval of JT to Gil´s orders 

“And what do I do?” Malcolm spoke up looking directly at Gil, Those pleading eyes he made every time he absorbed himself on a case were something Gil could not fight against. But the Kid looked tired, he needed sleep, to eat, to have something that didn´t scream murder on his life. 

“Go home Bright, get some sleep, we can´t do much right now, we need the warrant, will have to wait until morning.”

Malcolm wasn´t a fan of those words: “Get some sleep, go get some rest, eat, relax” he couldn´t do any of those things without a minimal thing going against him. But he let it slide, too exhausted to argue against something he knew he was going to lose, and a comment that had been said to him so many times which at this point didn´t have any effect on his aches. 

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He arrived at his flat, it was late, he hung his jacket on the coat rack next to the entry to the falt. Dropping his keys on the counter. He sat there for a while, time passing by slowly but draining him, the feeling of overwhelming loneliness crushing his chest. Until he heard a small chirp coming from behind him. 

Sunshine was flapping her wings standing on one of the steps of the staircase, Malcolm turned his head facing her, a smile forming on his face at the sight of her presence, Sunshine helped him feel less lonely in his apartment, especially less alone around his daunting thoughts. 

“Why are you so excited? I haven’t brought anything for you today, sorry about that.” occasionally he liked to get her things to play with it, toys or even different types of seeds, it helped him to clear his mind, and put good use to his inheritance.

The tiny parakeet flapped her wings and landed on the counter in front of him, Malcolm´s hand was shaking, the tremor was something he could never really get rid of, all he could do was hide them to not call the attention of Gil and the team. But Sunshine skipped through the counter and slid above his tremoring hand, shaking her feathers and lying down under his palm with a sense of comfort. 

Malcolm let a smile loose, feeling warm and protected by her touch. 

“Thanks, girl, what would I do without you huh?” Sunshine proceeded to drop an exciting chirp and closed her eyes.  
He remembered the time sunshine had arrived in his life.

It was the autumn he was getting ready to leave to Quantico, it had been a couple of very ineffable months for him, not sure of how to really feel, excitement, guilt, he was leaving his life behind to become Malcolm Bright, to abandon Malcolm Whitly, bury the identity that would no longer grab at his neck every time he tried to hold a conversation or relationship with anyone. But there was something that kept holding him back.

It hadn´t been long since his argument with his father, he had left abruptly, anger spread through the air at his father´s disapproval of him leaving the person who had given him life, the loving, and caring father Malcolm had known from when he was younger was taken away from him, the same person who had read him anatomy facts before going to bed turned out to be his biggest ache and it had hurt as awfully as a million paper cuts. 

In one of those days, they had received a visit from Gil and Jackie.

They heard a ring on the bell, Ainsley dropped what she was doing to ran to the door and open, launching herself to a hug from Gil. “Hey big girl, it is good to see you” Ainsley smiled, tightening herself a bit more, then letting loose, “Is good to see you too”. She said “Hey Jackie” she proceeded to wrap Ainsley on her arms while holding something huge under a piece of cloth. 

“Did you bring it” Ainsley skipped on the floor excited about what Jackie was going to tell her.

“Yes it´s a beautiful girl too, is your brother home?” 

“He is, come on in! He is going to love her, I bought some stuff for her, toys and a water and food dispenser.” Jacki and Gil entered the house behind Ainsley´s steps.

Jessica came into the room to greet them as well. “Hello, Jessica, sorry to barge in we wanted to say goodbye to Malcolm before he left to Quantico.” Gil smiled and rubbed a palm on Jackie’s back. “Oh, Gil don´t apologize you know how much Malcolm, Ainsley and I love to have you over.” Let me call for Malcolm to come down-.

“MAL BRING UR ASS DOWN HERE” Ainsley screamed before Jessica could finish her line.

Both of them were now screaming at each other across different rooms. heavy footsteps nearing to the main hall.

“WHAT IS IT? AINS STOP SCREAMING, IM PACKING MY STONE COLLECTI-” Malcolm was rushing down the stair to enter the main room stopping mid-sentence, his eyes wide at the sight of the number of people in the room.

“Oh hi,” he smiled and his cheeks red with embarrassment. “Gil, Jackie”

“Hey Kid, we have a surprise for you.” Jackie and Gil shared some looks. Malcolm noticed how Jackie didn´t look the same, she was still her Bright, loving self, but she seemed fatigued, paler than usual, still her smile the most heartwarming thing of Malcolm’s childhood.

Jackie removed the blanket off revealing a golden cage with a bird inside, it was a parakeet. 

“It´s for you Malcolm, your sister told us it could keep you good company for when you are off on your own.” Jackie smiled at the sight of Malcolm´s eyes glimmering. He neared to the cage keeping a close look to the bird, she was moving from side to side excitedly, Malcolm´s presence pleasing her. 

Malcolm smiled, a smile none of them had ever seen before, genuine, heartwarming and of pure innocence. “Thank you, i-ah- she´s gorgeous!” “But can I take her to Quantico? I heard having pets there is expensive to maintain” - “Darling how much do I have to remind you! We are rich! ´Expensive´ doesn´t exist in this family!”

Malcolm choked a laugh, while Ainsley rubbed her arm on his back, “Right, right” Malcolm stood up and gave both Jacki and Gil an embracing hug.  
It was a moment he could never forget, it was eternally sewed on his heart. 

Malcolm drifted back to the present, the memories bringing comfort, the day had left him worn out, he changed to his sleepwear, restrained himself, and kept telling himself to go to sleep, he needed it, but he also needed the cooperation of his mind.

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“Malcolm…”

Not this again.

He shifted on his sleep

“Hey don´t ignore me, Malcolm, did you miss me?”

His eyes began to open slowly, he was tired of his weight bringing him down in exhaustion. “What do you want?” he was looking at the figure of his subconscious again, as he had been these past days, he had been seeing himself wearing a white suit while working with the team, sometimes he just stayed in the background not bothering him at all that he could just ignore it, but there were other times where he could not simply ignore it, loud ringings on his head, and moving stuff on the precinct uncontrollably to gain his attention, Gil had noticed him wincing from out of nowhere but never really asked if something was happening to him. A worrisome look giving him away.

“I need you to come with me, get your ass up from the bed we are going to take a walk.” Malcolm was confused at what he had said, but he went along with it. He sat up and started to walk along with himself, they left the apartment and began to cross the nocturnal streets of New york.

“Where are we going?” He said while shoving his hands on his pockets, it was freezing his whole body was shivering even though he had a coat on. 

“I see we made a huge improvement in our case today huh? Great job on that.” 

“Yeah but is still not enough, he is still out there killing people, is not like we avoided another kill- why did you avoid my question?” Malcolm said.

“Less speaking Malcolm, just let me do the talking, not like you have contributed immensely to our conversation.”

They kept walking, long distances that seemed like nothingness until they arrived at a gas station. The light of the station glimmering on the darkness of the chilly night that surrounded it, it was a gas station in the road woods covering the background.

“Great! We are here!” his subconscious said, aiming his arms up in a way to show the whole view to him. “Please tell me you do remember this place.” 

Malcolm walked pass him searching the place his eyes looking towards different places at once. “I--I think I do actually, what is this?”

“You came here with John, Lucas and your father, it was a long road trip, you were hungry so your father made a quick stop to put gas on the station wagon and let you buy some stuff to eat at the shop, it had been a long trip after all.”

He was trying hard to remember the events of what his subconscious was telling him but it was impossible to recall, something hit him, his thoughts interrupted. Who is Lucas? He could not remember another person besides his father and eventually John Watkins after the camping trip discovery. 

“Who is Lucas?” that was all he could get out, feeling speechless at the sight of not remembering who he was. 

His subconscious gave him a frowned look, he looked confused but he chuckled. “Huh, so you don´t remember that either?” 

“He was John Watkins mentee, almost the same age as you.”

Malcolm froze, his eyes widening and ragged breaths coming out, he gave a few steps backward. Glimpses of memories flooding his throat. 

He was ten, the kid sitting beside him in the station wagon almost the same age as him, he had dark hair and an innocent smile spread on his face while he looked outside the flowing trees. 

“Are you excited Lucas? We are going to have so much fun where we are going.” Malcolm recognized John´s voice he was sitting shotgun next to his father who was looking at the road ahead, a mischievous smile on his face. 

Malcolm began to feel cold, but he could not tell why. He took one of the blankets for the trip and wrapped himself with it while staring at the sky, he was shivering now. The coldness stronger and filtering under his skin, burning him.

He opened his eyes in a rush, he looked at his hands they were splashed with blood, he had stumbled over the body of Benjamin Adelman, his eyes widened and he let out a gasp his hands beginning to shake at the sight. He was at the crime scene they had visited earlier that day, he was cold, he stepped back gasping for air letting himself fall on the wall behind him. He didn´t have a coat at all, barefoot, and only a plain black shirt and sweatpants on. 

He was petrified, he had contaminated the crime scene, the evidence, Gil was going to fire him for real this time, it was all his fault, why couldn´t he be normal, sleeping shouldn´t be such a life-threatening thing to do, but for him it was.

He stood up, shaking at the images that filled his mind, the panic, chaos, it was the worst feeling right now, and he couldn´t do anything about it. He began to walk wearily, his body aching because of the freezing night, he didn’t have his phone nor the strength to call anyone to come for him. 

His eyes caught the sight of a telephone box, he didn´t want to give himself up, but the thought of having hypothermia wasn´t pleasing either.  
He pressed the numbers, gripping tight to the phone, his breathing racing.

The phone began to ring, Gil woke up with a wince, and looked at the ID, it said unknown but took it anyway, if it wasn´t a life or death situation he was going to chase that caller down.

“Hello?”

“G-Gil?”

Gil froze at the words, he could hear soft whimpers from the other side of the phone.

“Malcolm? Why- is everything alright?” Gil began to put on a coat and some shoes on, afraid of what answer he might get but prepared for it.  
“I-ah I´m” he couldn´t breathe he held the phone tighter, shutting his eyes, and one of his legs bouncing with anxiety. “I was sleepwalking-i don´t- I contaminated the scen-”

“Hey, hey kid breathe, slow down is alright, where are you? Can you tell me?”

“I´m at the carding industry, Benjamin Adelman´s Bussines- Gil I didn´t mean to, I-I woke up and my hands, blood-they.”

“Malcolm I need you to calm down, take deep breaths, we will resolve that later, now is more important to know you are safe. Do you think you can wait for me to pick you up?

Gil turned the car on, he rushed the streets. His life depended on it.

“-I-I I think I can, I´m sorry.” his voice was raw now, and almost on the verge of tears.

“Don´t apologize, kid, I´ll do anything for you, just don´t hesitate to tell me please, I have enough grey hairs already.” 

"Just hold on tight, I´ll be there soon."

Malcolm began to ease, his shivers cramping his feet, he began to slide down next to the telephone box, tears falling from his cheeks while he curled himself, laying his head over his knees.

Cold

shivering

Waiting.


End file.
